I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
