i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
