There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
