hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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