Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
