You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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