; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i think my cat just said my name.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
