well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
