i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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