I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
