my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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