barbara walters just said penis...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
