so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
