I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Randomize
