Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
