it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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