Will you blow on my dice?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
