Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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