Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
