i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
