guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
