Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
