I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
