i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
