My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
