is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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