Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
