When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
