put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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