I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
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