If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
