I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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