I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
