She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
