Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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