Im at strip club and am horny
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
