Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
