she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
