I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
