There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
