i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
