Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
