If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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