i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
