you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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