I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
