Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
