Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
