overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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