Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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